You need to watch this commercial for Dreamcast’s IllBleed

Released in 2001 on Sega’s Dreamcast, IllBleed was a Resident Evil clone developed by Crazy Games and published by AIA. Playing through a B-movie horror set, the player will be subjected to all sorts of grotesque mutants and monsters. At the time, it didn’t get the best reviews by critics and fans.

Regardless of what the masses thought, the promotional video (embedded below) for IllBleed is a doozy say the least. Check this out and be sure watch through in its entirety. If you watched this, you are probably thinking “what the <bleep> did I just watch?” If you thought this, you would be correct.

Let’s dissect:

“Death is your final answer. You’ll vomit with excitement. You’ll puke with pleasure. You’ll sh** with fear. Splattered brains. Infected flesh. Get excited. Get disgusted. Get pissed off. Every door leads to terror. You’ll see dead people. They’ll see you. Maximum pulse. Maximum bleeding. Maximum strain. You will go through a live inferno. But there are only two options. A virtual house of horror. This is real.”

The first few phrases are the best: “you’ll vomit with excitement” and “you’ll puke with pleasure”.

Question. Have you ever vomited with excitement? Nope, I haven’t.

Next question. Have you ever puked with pleasure? Nope, can’t say that I have.

In fact, when is throwing up ever something to look forward to? I mean, there are those times when you drink too much or ate those two week old left overs and just want to get it out of you, and it feels better when it happens, but it still isn’t good or pleasurable. Secondly, vomit and puke are the same thing but yet yield two different outcomes here? Should I up-chuck with pleasure or excitement? Oh man, I cannot make up my mind, please help me IllBleed! I am confused on which type of puke this should be. Honestly, I was actually thinking about puking with integrity, like a gentleman, but not sure if it fits the bill here. What about with hope? No hope? Oh, ok then…

The real kicker, however, isn’t how you are going to spew your lunch. Oh no. Instead, we need to focus on sh**ing with fear. Here’s the thing. Do you want to poop with fear? I don’t. If anything, I would want to defecate with authority, to clear my system in preparation for the day ahead. But going with fear? That sounds like some bad medical problem and you might need to schedule an appointment with your family practitioner. Can you imagine sitting on the pot and being horribly afraid? Pooping in public places might have that effect but it shouldn’t be an every day kind of thing.

I am also not sure if I want to get excited/disgusted/pissed off. Excited doesn’t sound so bad but the other two are negative feelings that try to be avoided. Commanding me to exhibit these emotions is actually rather bossy and unprofessional.

Anyway, this trailer is so bad it is good. Is it the best game video of all time? Probably. Is it the worst game video of all time. Probably. Should you watch it, enjoy it, and take note? Absolutely… maybe.

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