F**king Your Mouth With Flavor –
Doritos Jacked 3D Bacon Cheddar Ranch is like the badass renegade you see in the movies. No one stands in their way. They will kick your ass and never apologize. They don’t help old ladies cross the street. They have full sleeve tattoos. They ride motorcycles without helmets. They only wear muscle tees, even in winter. And only speak in an angry German tone. They do what they want, when they want. Plus these things combine the three best flavors any human can cram in their pie hole: bacon, cheddar, and ranch.
These new snacky chips are packed with such a powerful crunch they basically f**k your mouth with flavor. No, this isn’t a kissy face love making session here. These bitches get all 50 Shades on your ass and will never show mercy even if you scream the safe word. They don’t care. The crunch is so powerful, old people with dentures will not be able to enjoy them. And why would they? Doritos 3D are only for the manliest men, grizzly bears, the Predator, and great white sharks.
The shape goes beyond 3D and is probably actually something like 837D when you take everything into consideration. Two dimensions cannot contain wonder of this magnitude. The flavor of the bacon cheddar ranch is a trifecta of perfection. In fact, it is so perfect that the rumor is Doritos hired The Most Interesting Man In The World to create this snack. Instead of Jacked 3D, these chips probably should have been named “Beast Mode.” Screw Gatorade, steroids and energy drinks, professional athletes need to start getting jacked on this stuff.
Each snackable tidbit is a three dimensional triangle that speaks only in ancient hieroglyphics. I mean, just look at this photography. Chips are not supposed to have these many angles and secret code written into them. This is chip pornography.
I placed a few pieces on a napkin with an attempt to capture their wonder but was surprised by the grease stain left behind, like a bag of diner fries eating through a paper bag. How the hell does a dry, crunchy chip leave behind a grease mark? No one knows. But you know what? Doritos Jacked 3D Bacon Cheddar Ranch does what they want and if they want to leave behind a grease spot, they will. Sure it is a little gross but I have nothing but admiration for these brutal mouth punchers. I mean, secreting moisture from a bone dry frame? Really! Wow, amazing!
The back of the packaging even unlocks some type of special 3D movie but I didn’t even have the balls to test it out. I was so exhausted after uncontrollably jamming these spiced triangles into my unworthy face hole that I wouldn’t even dare to see what this video had in store for me. These chips punched my mouth square in its face so hard I was pretty sure I was bleeding internally for all the good reasons. This video would probably be like if you mixed Vegas, South Beach, a cartel of illegal drugs, and a few torrents of porn into a blender, then poured it over your brain. Humans are not designed to withstand this kind of awesomeness and level of quality.
Unfortunately, we do not have a rating scale here at myGamer.com that can accurately portray the quality of this artificial cheese based product. Like my expectations, the aggressive cheesy bites destroy anything that gets in their way. Forget nukes, rocket launchers and brass knuckles… there is a new Chuck Norris in town and his name is Bacon Cheddar Ranch 3D.
Final Score = 19/10
Not As Good As: nothing
Better Than: anything you ever put in your mouf… ever!
Wait For It: Doritos Locos Tacos in 3D!
By: Zachary Gasiorowski, Editor in Chief myGamer.com