One Can Only Hope –

With E3 being about a month away, now is the time to predict what is going to be announced for 2013.  Nintendo has already stated they will not be holding a major press conference like they usually do, Microsoft is set to reveal their next Xbox, and Sony will build hype for the upcoming PS4.  It will inevitably be a big year.

Below are five predictions for 2013 that will not become reality.  But should they?..?…??.

(No. The answer is no to that question.)

Xbox Announces AppBox –

Not to be confused with an Applebox, Microsoft will announce they are abandoning games altogether so they can focus on making more useless apps for their Live platform.

“People don’t even like playing games anymore,” a Microsoft rep stated.  “People are obsessed with apps so we are going to give it to them.  It doesn’t matter if they provide worthless content or don’t even work properly, this is what consumers want. Hell, we can’t even call them ‘gamers’ anymore. We are going to start calling them app-itizers.”

Why would anyone want to play Halo 4, Castle Crashers, or Happy Wars when they can use their Xbox to order a pizza or watch Sesame Street?

Nintendo will announce Star Tropics 3 –

One of Nintendo’s most neglected franchises, Star Tropics, will make a glorious return on Wii U and will have cross compatibility with the 3DS.  For what? Who knows.  But the designers at Nintendo have confirmed the use of physical things to progress in the game once again.

“We liked how we confused the s*** out of all players of the original Star Tropics with the water/invisible ink/paper letter trick thing,” said lead designer Genyo Takeda.  “We are planning on bundling the game with more pointless stuff to frustrate and confuse the player. Just wait until you realize what you need to do to the included empty coffee can and tube sock!”

Nintendo has revived Kid Icarus with Uprising, the 3D Classics redesign, and the use of Pit in Smash Bros so why wouldn’t they want to revisit the outstanding gameplay of the original NES Star Tropics titles?  Think about it: yo-yos, aliens, some random dude named Mike, tropical islands, submarines, talking dolphins, creepy uncles… these are ingredients for a rockstar game. 2013 is not the Year of Luigi.  It is the Year of Star Tropics.

Sony Announces Vita 2, has 4 analog sticks –

Sony has said that the PSP success was limited because it only had one analog stick.  When they designed the Vita, two sticks were implemented from the beginning.  But with poor Vita sales and no software, Sony is looking at redesigning their handheld again.

“We listened to gamers and now understand what they want.  They want more analog sticks,” said Sony’s marketing department.  “By doubling the amount of analog sticks, this should directly double the amount of fun.  Right?!  Right!”

Below is the current prototype of the Vita 2.  It is not yet known how the awkward positioning of the 2 new sticks will enhance gameplay, but Sony customers will not think twice about the $899 price tag, plus another $289 for a 4gb memory card.

Pokemon Cooking Sim Announced –

Did you ever watch that Morgan Freeman penguin movie and ask yourself why you suddenly had the munchies?  Because strange creatures always look the most delicious.  It is human nature.  It’s science.

Game Freak and Nintendo are teaming up once again to create an all new Pokemon experience: Pokemon – Gotta Eat’em All.

Using waggle control to turn the spits and the touch screen to skin and carve these elemental critters, this new Pokemon experience promises to incorporate gameplay techniques that players have been yammering for.  Making the experience even more unique, you can actually use Pokemon to cook other Pokemon.  Some might think this cannibalistic nature is a little unnatural but nothing gets a grill going like the fire breath from a Charizard or that smoking char flavor from a Pikachu Thundershock.  Finger licking good.

Nintendo will actually make a game that uses online features and 1080p –

When Nintendo announced the Wii U, fans immediately got excited because they assumed Nintendo would incorporate features that Sony and Microsoft have been using since 2006.  But even now in 2013, Nintendo refuses to embrace modern day technology into their games.

Can you image playing New Super Mario Bros U, Star Fox 64 3DS, or Zelda Four Swords online?  With friends?  And matchmaking?  And voice chat?  In true high def? Yeah, we can’t either.  Everyone knows that is too much to ask from Nintendo.

Nintendo, however, after years of just doing things the easy way, has finally promised to make a game that actually supports use of the internet and their HDMI input.  Unfortunately, they just said a game that will use these features will one day come; no solid release date or even game title was announced.

This means that the 2016 release of Art Academy 5 HD is probably the strongest possibility.  Because throwing virtual paint with 4 player co-op will be fun in HD.

Liked it? Take a second to support squallsnake on Patreon!